You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
