Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
In other news, I just burned my penis
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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