I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize