I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
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I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
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