I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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