I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
