the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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