I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
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I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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