Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i wish my penis had a tongue
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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