he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Randomize
