Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
