I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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