if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
