I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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