My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?