He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
