I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
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