he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
