I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
