even my farts smell like vagina
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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