So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
