My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
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I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
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I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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