Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
