I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
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