I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
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