How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
