When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
worst night to have a conscience
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
