wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
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