You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
