I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
