you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I need to stop coming to work sober
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
