My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
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