The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
