Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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