i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
