had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
