college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
