She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
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He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
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If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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