Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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