i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
