Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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