I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
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I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
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I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
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