we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
