There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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