So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
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He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
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Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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