He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
She tied me up with her honor cords...
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
