Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
