Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
honey bunches of taint.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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