She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Randomize
