East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
