my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
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