Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
