I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested