The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
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Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".